NOT TO BE A HUGE JERK, but there’s This Pop Singer Who Is Really Famous Right Now and kind of bumming me out. I don’t want to shit-talk cause it’s a total waste of time, but it’s gotten to the point in my life where when people mention how much they love this singer, I feel deep pangs of personal guilt, because it means that the person I’m talking to and I are fundamentally disagreeing on some things. It’s like how in the early 00s (‘member?) sometimes you’d be at a soccer game or the supermarket or a PTA meeting and someone would say nonchalantly that they had voted for Bush, and it would just send up a red flag? It feels like that.

The thing that bugs me about This Pop Singer Who Is Really Famous Right Now is that she purports to be something of a Performance Artist. Now, I’m not going to say that Pop Music and Performance Art are mutually exclusive, but I will say that the kind of Pop Music this singer is making is absolutely antithetical to the goals of performance art. According not only to my, but in fact anybody’s definition of performance art. Performance Art necessarily means something that is expressed / transmitted via (you guessed it!) PERFORMANCE. This Singer’s work is almost always mediated through studio magick, the radio, MTV, YouTube, Fashion Photography, Twitter, etc. It’s deliberately a kind of Art that doesn’t need to be performed live, since it’s readily accessible. Just saying. So when I am getting bugged out about this I figure I can either rage against the dying of the light (incorrect use whatever) or I can offer some alternative to This Pop Singer Who Is Really Famous Right Now. So let’s do that.

So, first: ROISIN MURPHY.

Maybe you already know about her. The thing with This Pop Singer Who Is Really Famous Right Now is that she often claims that the biggest misconception about her is that she’s fake, that she’s artificial, and she wants you to know that she is Always Glamorous, Always In Drag, and very Real. OK I’ll bite: BULLSHIT. This video for the title track from Murphy’s second solo album Overpowered plays with a similar idea, in a much more interesting way (I think). The premise of the video is that Murphy’s stage persona never comes off, that she wears her ultra-bizarre high fashion outfit (Courtesy of Gareth Pugh– Murphy was wearing Pugh long before Kylie, Rihanna, Beyoncé, and the Pop Singer In Question) in cafes, on the bus, etc. as a way of juxtaposing the artificial with the real. It makes an interesting comment on the nature of celebrity culture and beauty. Oh also, this came out in 2007.

KYLIE.

HAD TO GO THERE. The thing about Kylie Minogue is that she’s world-famous everywhere except for the USA. In most of Europe, she’s more famous than Madonna. Madonna has, for those Europhiles (and American Fags) who have been keeping track, been ripping off Kylie for decades. SO while This Pop Singer Nowadays rips off Madonna, she’s actually not even citing the Minogue sources. The almost-Goth, sort of vaguely “dark” aesthetic that This Pop Singer employs was much better used, again in 2007, by Kylie in the video for “2 Hearts”. Other than the fact that this song and video are excellent, the fact that the shiny skull is a reference to Alexander McQueen, the skull itself was actually a symbol of triumph. When this video came out, it was the lead single from Kylie’s “comeback” album X. Comeback, I mean, from breast cancer. Kylie has an authentic right to glamorize the macabre because unlike the Pop Singer Nowadays, who’s whole shtick is utterly devoid of anything involving “the real world” or “obscurity”, when Kylie released this video, singing into a skull microphone, she has just beaten Death. Top that.

GRACE JONES. In your FACE BONES.

It’s no secret that I love Grace Jones. I listen her every single day and she is a totally guiding force in my life. It is with no small amount of disappointment that I continually see This Pop Singer referencing her work. Grace Jones’ eccentricity is best exemplified by the video above (total. personal. anthem.) Unlike the current Pop Singer, who equates randomness and embellishment with intellectual weight, this video shows Grace in what appears to be her natural habitat, running from Keith Haring’s studio to the wardrobe closet to the chiropractor. The message here is that even with this totally unsustainable, unreal level of glamour, she is able to look directly to the camera and sing a love song. The layers of artifice serve to create a distance which the song’s message ostensibly crosses, rather than simply mask the singer’s face. Grace wants you to know that you and her are meant to be.

ROBYN.

Look, one of the things that I don’t understand about This Pop Singer, is how she simultaneously seems to be singing about her “feelings” while denying any trace of actual human emotion. She is bloodless. Does pop music have to be this way? Not if Robyn has anything to say about it. The marriage of a human heart and a dance beat may sound strange on paper, but with Robyn it makes perfect sense.

DIAMOND RINGS

Thought it’d be nice to have a non-girl, non-superstar in the mix. Toronto’s Diamond Rings proves that you can do really cool interesting pop music without a multimillion dollar budget. Look, even Kathleen Hanna is a fan. That ought to be enough. This video is really cool and proves that really, real people can and do succeed at aspiring to glamour and art. Who needs a custom haute couture outfit? Just put a sexy kid in a Karl Lagerfeld t-shirt. Signify, baby. This is what postmodernism ACTUALLY looks like.

So whatever. These are some things you can listen to and watch instead. Check them out.

Stay dry, America. Stay motherfucking dry.

Dear New York: I’m back   -_-

This might come as a shock to most people, but San Diego is pretty damn simple compared to the Big Apple.  I’ve only been back a couple days and already my dark circles filled back in (thanks for the drum n bass, neighbors), I’ve had some hand-wringingly awkward conversation with an ex on the street, and nearly saw Wilkes punch a stumbling-drunk stranger in the jowls at 1:30 AM for walking up to us and saying, “White man… black woman…” She took off after him and all I heard was “HEY, FUCK YOU He’s not white and we’re not together…” or something to that.

Foreshadowing the crazy (STORY TIME):  A passenger on my NYC-bound plane decided to act up/shout racial slurs/be a misogynist and eventually we had to taxi back to the gate and air marshals ejected him from the flight.  Because of some malarkey he told the agents (I think he said someone was smuggling weapons or something) our near-full 140 passenger flight had to de-plane and be re-screened at the security checkpoint.  Then the plane had to be searched. If you’ve ever tried to wrangle people together for dinner or karaoke or whatever, even getting five of them to do some shit is hard. Imagine 140- some of them children, some of them old people, one of them a mumbling mess of tie-dye and space cake cos he’d taken his plane-vicodin a little early.

The whole ordeal was a fucking cup of dog urine. The only way I got through it without losing my sanity was positive visualizations: the simple things that make me happy. I was thinking string lights and Sponge Bob Squarepants ice cream with the bubble gum eyes.

SO THIS FRUMP DAY (a little late for the hump) THEME IS MY SANITY.

1. Friends — a doi. My friends are doing awesome things, and soon. If you think this whole thing is a lame excuse for a plug you’re wrong. It’s not lame.

Scorcher #5 by Max Steele is out now!!! You can order it here online, under the zines banner!!! Here’s a description!!! I love lamp!!!

Scorcher Issue #5: I love you, you little crocodile. Kissing Practice, Coded Love Letters, Feline Fantasies, Pornoscopes and Mnemonic Sex Toys. Billy Cheer’s guide to romance

There’s also going to be a totally awesome party slash reading slash music show to promote the zine on April 10th at PPOW gallery. Max will read from the zine, Daniel Portland and yours truly will warm up the crowd with some of our patented banter, and that gritty folk sensation PAPS is going to blow the lid off the joint.  I was going to say “turn this mother out” but even typing it as a hypothetical is painful.

Speaking of PAPS, they are playing a million shows coming up — Vox Pop, Cedar House, Matchless, 3rd Ward, the Hillstock Festival, etc. — to promote their new EP, so check out their Myspace music page or get at me if you want a copy of it for… five dollars?  I think.  I’ll double check, but u know u want one cos they are the truth.

Also Tya and Mickey over at Seriously You’re the Worst have a new layout and new attitude and it seriously looks the best, I’m so jealous slash I’m so into it.  As Tya describes,

You know, I think I’m really starting to like this whole new layout thing. I’ve gotten over my initial feeling that it may be too “Avril” and am really just vibing with it.

Speaking of myself, which I do constantly, here’s a Youtube vid of me reading at the Nuclear Poetry event in January, hosted by the effervescent Aaron Wimmer.  I got to read with some really awesome people and it was a really good time.  Thanks for the invitation, Aaron!

2.  Simply.  Chloe Dao.

Remember Chloe Dao, winner of Project Runway season 2?  I loved her.  Even though I had the biggest crush in America on Daniel Vosovic (and Santino man that guy is HUGE) I think it was around the second episode, “Clothes Off Your Back” when she became my pick for the prize.  We have so much in common we’re like the same person.  We love clean lines, turquoise and golden showers I mean HELLO, TWINS!!!

ANyway while we were endlessly taxiing on the tarmac (runway?)  the TV’s were on, and I caught a glimpse of Chloe’s ready-to-wear QVC line, Simply. Chloe Dao. I couldn’t watch it for very long b/c infomercials are foring as buck and I am not myself interested in purchasing a ruffle front placket cardigan sweater (surely I jest!) but I was really happy to learn that she’s more interested in creating moderately priced, wearable clothes “for the modern woman” than she is with fame or being cool.  I can’t really say I like the collection on QVC because I don’t– I think it all looks like mascarpone foam and rayon vomit– but I love Chloe.  She was so smart and charming on TV, and this color is the jam:

3.  Simply the Best — Oh it was coming from the very beginning.  When I switched over from TV to satellite radio, there was some “Fool in Love” on the “Swingin 60′s” station.   But for the purpose of the theme, let’s pretend it was “Simply the Best” and end our week, as every week should end, with some Tina Turner

Dear michelle,
What exactly is rageaholism?  I think I get angry too much about things that are inconsequential.  Like yesterday I wanted to punch someone to death because they were standing too close to me on the subway.  What do I do?  Quietly counting to ten doesn’t work.  I’m afraid I’m going to have a rage-related heart attack and die young.
Sincerely,
Angry Anna.

Dear Psycho,
I think you have some unresolved issues that are making you angry at strangers and other annoying douchebags. It’s easier to think you are angry at that lady standing too close to you than to acknowledge that you are just really upset about personal shit that you can’t control.  However, I am the same way.  People should really stand further away on the train, this isn’t fucking China.  I suggest you start drinking more.  It’ll relax you, and then you can always blame yr rage on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

Dearest Michelle,
So lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my best friend’s lip tattoo and “accidentally” seeing them in nothing but stretch pants. Does this make me gay?
Munches,
Doris Gay

Dear Dorian Gay,
I’m assuming your friends a girl and you’re a girl? Cuz if you’re a dude and you caught your dude friend in some stretch pants, I’ll have to go ahead and say YOU’RE IN. Ya’ll are totally gonna bone later and weep about how great it is.
You are what we in the biz like to call a Friendasexual.  You only wanna bone yr friends.  That’s cool and all cuz it means you like to get to know people first before you sleep with them (I hear that’s a good quality?). But, you’re also being lazy and don’t want to put in the time and effort to find a real date amongst the general population.  Before you know it, you’re gonna turn around and have no friends to hold your hair back while you’re puking after a supreme penny-beer power hour.  I suggest that you a) compliment your friend for looking so good in stretch pants that it makes you gay and b) stop trying to fuck people that you’re already friends with. Go out and find yourself a proper date to humiliate yourself in front of while eating and/or drinking.  And then come home and cry to your friends about it.

Dear Michelle,
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Start enjoying the benefits of USAA.COM
Thank you,
USAA

Dear USAA,
Yo quit with the emails. We hooked up ONCE. And now you wanna send me green debit cards? That shit is soooo embarrassing when my roommates find them.  Seriously, what is this? My first grown up bank account? And then I gotta use it at C-Town!? You know those cashiers already hate me. You do this on purpose!!
Thanks for the no fee ATM withdrawals tho, that always gets me boo…
Come over,
Michelle

4:20 INTERVIEW WITH DANIELLE MAY ROSA

by Max

Danielle Motherfucking Rosa is my best friend and also my room mate. She is a truck driver, sculpter, painter, performance artist and writer. She wrote my favorite pun in the world, which is “Absence makes the heart Jane Fonda”. She recently launched a website of her visual work, at http://www.daniellerainbowrosa.com

Check out this awesome playlist she made to share with you, as well

4:20 INTERVIEW WITH DANIELLE MAY ROSA

Me: Ok let’s do an interview. Are you ready?

Danielle: Have we begun?

Me: Yeah this is the end of the interview

Danielle: I took that away

Me: Huh? so Danielle, first question: tell me about drawing: what time of day do you usually make your pictures? Like night time or in between bites of a sandwich?

Danielle: Usually immediately after when I see inspiration

me: So all times of day and night?

Danielle: See or receive inspiration. Yes.

me: Ok I have another question: why does this give me a boner?

Danielle: Cuz you love women

me: Interesting… So tell me about animals that you draw. Do you like to draw pets or wild animals?

Danielle: Happy 4:20

me: Happy 4:20! So tell me about animals

Danielle: I like to draw things that aren’t too hard to draw. So i like to draw: turtles, bunnies, lions…

me: Do you have a favorite animal to draw?

Danielle: Yes. Lions, from the front on. When they’re sitting down.

(Universal Truth & Stretch of the Truth, 2008)

me: Oh I see. So my next question is, solve for x:

5(-3x – 2) – (x – 3) = -4(4x + 5) + 13

Sent at 4:24 PM on Friday

me: Well?

Sent at 4:29 PM on Friday

Danielle: Ok hold on

Sent at 4:33 PM on Friday

Danielle: Ok. I did my best and this is all I can simplify that too 30-(x-3)= -x-12.25

me: No Danielle, the answer is zero

Danielle: That could make sense. But I don’t believe you.

me: Google the problem. Eating a salad from the Thai restaurant and someone put a tomato on it! Ewwwwwwwww

Danielle: Is this still the interview? huh

me: No gimme a sec

Danielle: I love you. After thing can I interview you for my clog

me: Ok. So let’s talk about your favorite artists / influences: influences that aren’t artists too. What inspires you?

Danielle: Taboo subjects

me: Ooh! Like what?

Danielle: Looking at cats and dogs. Oh I don’t want to mention them here

me: I just had the five hour energy shot

Danielle: tee-hee. I never did one of those. What they like

me: It’s actually amazing. You get a niacin rush.

Danielle: Max

me: Uh huh? Anyways… taboo like what? Ok next question. When you put your fingers inside your pussy what do your pussyjuices smell like?

Danielle: Strawberries. Next question.

me: Really? I’ve never been with a girl so I don’t know. So do you eat a lot of strawberries?

Danielle: Never

me: Let’s set the record straight about something, in this interview

Danielle: Please bring some home

me: DANIELLE ROSA versus FRUITS AND VEGETABLES

Danielle: Oh man

me: Give our readers the story. Explain your theory.. it’s part of your art

Danielle: Where do I start? How I think they’re dirty…

me: Just what you do and do not eat and why

Danielle: and I’m like a freak about dirt. I don’t like tomatoes or raisins

me: Yea? but you can wash them

Danielle: Everything else I learned to love but later in life. I know but I think I was terrified of bugs in my salads because it happened a lot when I was growing up, because my grandma’s poor eyesight and her garden

me: Bugs in your salads?

Danielle: Yes

me: Wow, yucky

Danielle: So I got scared and then would only trust my mother to wash salads

me: So you’re work in some ways reminds me, I hope you don’t take offense at the comparison, to the work of the artist Pablo Picasso. Do you know him?

Danielle: And therefore never learned to wash shit and cut it up or so I thought. I hate him

me: Oh, I’m sorry.

Danielle: We encounter him a lot in the arthandling world. And the people accompanied to them usually are huge dicks

me: Oh word

Danielle: and he had a LOT of work

me: Who is your favorite artist to handle?

Danielle: Tara Donovan. Is that her name?

me: Why is that?

Danielle: I moved a button sculpture of hers and basically every time it moves it gets broken

me: Did you break it?

Danielle: but it gets fixed the next time its displayed… No, but it probably happened in transport

me: Do you care about how people handle your art a lot?

Danielle: Like a few buttons fall off

me: I’m getting really hot from the niacin rush. I’m listening to Captain and Tenille and the sound of her voice is kind of turning me on. Why do you think that is?