Before getting into a few tidbits of the week, I thought I’d post something a little more positive and perhaps within the spirit of the day. I was at Bluestockings Bookstore last week dropping off some of the latest birdsong zines (hint: check em out) when I happened upon the Fall issue of Herizons Magazine, a Canadian feminist mag. The cover story was about the admixture identity issues that filmmaker Tracey Deer addresses in her body of work, and previewed a television show she developed called Mohawk Girls:

a “dramatic comedy” following four women in between two cultures. More specifically, a Mohawk Canadian reserve and the “outside world.” More specifically, a show that was basically made with me in mind. The pilot looks interesting, if not a little hammy, and I loved how it featured a range of different shades of Indian people.  Media like this, one that shows contemporary Indian people and how different we look and act, can be a powerful tool for dismantling many of the stoic, copper-faced, war-whooping stereotypes envisioned and reinforced by people like George Catlin, Edward Curtis, Walt Disney, sports teams, almost every film ever, and so on. AND the four-women formula will always win, with me. AND THEN I found out that it plays on the Aboriginal People’s Network. Stop being so awesome, Canada. I want to live inside you. errrrmmmm And onward to THIS WEEK IN BIRDSONG:

Monday 1/17–
As we mentioned before, last night was white-shorts-core band (and frequent birdsong interviewees) Little Victory‘s EP release and tour kickoff party, and although the physical record itself won’t be ready until Wednesday, you can download the song on LV’s Bandcamp. Put it on and fuck or fuck something up.

Wednesday 1/19–

Lonely Christopher, one of the luminaries behind The Corresponding Society in Bed-Stuy, has just released his debut collection of short fiction through Dennis Cooper’s Little House on the Bowery imprint at Akashic Books. The Mechanics of Homosexual Intercourse is a really impressive collection (ps DO NOT Google image search that, looking for a pic of the cover. You will only find dicks), one that moves masterfully between very different voices and characters, and is at times almost allegorically-rich in symbolism.  This Wednesday is the book launch at Bluestockings, which also celebrates the reissue of Matthew Stokoe’s cult novel Cows. There will be a couple readings and a panel discussion to follow.
Bluestockings Books
172 Allen St.
New York, NY
7pm

Friday 1/21-

nsfw

One of my fellow covermates for the year-end issue of the L Magazine was Scott Lindenbaum, a comely co-founder of Electric Literature. Their innovative model of publishing has made them a darling of the lit set, and this Friday they’re celebrating the release of EL no. 5 at Housing Works Bookstore– with readings by J. Robert Lennon, Lynne Tillman, and former birdsong interviewee Ben Greenman. Also on the table are short films by Caron Mell and complimentary Harpoon Brewery Beers with a donation, which will be collected to support Housing Works in their efforts to combat homelessness and HIV in New York City.
Housing Works Bookstore Cafe
126 Crosby St.
New York, NY
7-9:30pm

Saturday 1/22-

betty davis eyes

The Spank boys, NYC homo-party-makers/zinesters, are throwing a bash this Saturday to celebrate the release of Spank #17, now in it’s third year. The new issue features birdsonger Max Steele amongst a bevvy of other talented, arty contributors. There will be wine, readings, live art, and copies of the new 3D issue for yr generous consumption.
Krause Gallery
149 Orchard St
New York, NY
7-10pm

you know what this is my internet too and if I want to talk about Famous Chickens on it why the fuck not, right?

4.  Meet Miracle Mike a chicken who lived for 18 months (1946-7), with his head chopped off.  At the height of his fame, Mike earned the equivalent of $48,000/month in today’s money. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: god bless america.

Just like any other rock star who lives fast & hard, Mike choked to death in a motel room in Phoenix.  Presumably with cocaine smeared around his throat hole & his wings around a pair of broad-breasted Rhode Island Red twins.

Okay…whoa…there’s a lot about what I just said that’s completely psychotic, but the part that really surprised me most is: SINCE WHEN CAN I NAME A CHICKEN BREED?

seriously, where did I pick up the name “Rhode Island Red”?  The Streets I guess? A little trip to Wikipedia allowed me to unearth (like a corn kernel in barnyard dirt– topical metaphors, y’all) a descriptive gem about RIRs. Apparently they’re “widely known as good layers through cold periods.”

EPITAPH ALERT:

& Rhode Island Reds, that’s how you just claimed the Number 3 spot on this list.

“Bitch I got this,” –Rhode Islands Reds

You know what else I just learned? There are surprisingly large pockets of the population who refer to themselves as “poultry fanciers!” Guys, there are so many poultry fancying clubs in the US! & there are poultry shows!!

Not kidding, I am seriously in love with everything about this.

2.

This guy.  I don’t know, what is this some zportz mascot? who cares, any chicken who eats a baby is guaranteed a spot on this list. ’cause admittedly, the pool of candidates isn’t very large.

1.

Anyone out there in the audience ever get a little high & think about how weird Foghorn Leghorn is?   No?  Just me?  Oh okay, that’s cool.

No but he is weird, right? Because he’s an amalgamation of cultural parodies & stereotypes that our generation has little access to the context for? And yet, even if the jokes/social comments aren’t designed for us, the inherent humor in watching an enormous chicken smack a dog in the ass with a 2X4 is UNDENIABLE?

Did you know Foghorn Leghorn was a parody of “popular radio character,” (seriously, say what) Senator Beauregard Claghorn whose whole shtick predicated on being a staunchly “anti-North” southern politician?  Let’s let his jokes speak for themselves.  From Wikipedia:

Some of the Senator’s other anti-Northisms included (but were not limited to):

• “When I’m in New York I’ll never go the Yankee Stadium!”
• “I won’t go into a room unless it’s got Southern Exposure!”
• “When I got the Chicken Pox, they were Southern fried!”

Oh and also:

“Claghorn would make frequent jabs at [the radio show's host Fred] Allen, using analogies which would astonish the audience in their ability to paint a picture. After a tirade of invective from Allen, Claghorn responded by advising Allen that ‘Your tongue’s waggin’ like a blind dogs tail at a meat market.’ A torrent of laughter from the studio audience followed such exchanges.”

this is Senator Claghorn guys. isn’t he totally HILARIOUS

Torrent of laughter from the studio audience?  Um, someone call the doctor cause I think my funny bone is broken. HA HA HA, obviously I’m oversimplifying things (this is a blog about chickens, get off my back imaginary detractors) but I think we can all agree–the Nature of Humor: COMPLICATED, NO?

And finally the bonus:

Chicken Boo!

What a weird, crazy beautiful idea. A giant chicken that most people don’t realize is a giant chicken and the few who do realize it are berated? Brilliant! What’s your “Giant Chicken?” Mine is Racism (obvi).

Well-played Animaniacs.  Seriously great life metaphor you guys.

Over the weekend a few of us here at the Birdsong HQ took the train to CT and had a Friendsgiving at the gorgeous Middletown cottage of birdsong contributing editor Roy Pérez. It’s like, a two-story house for grown folk you know? Now maybe it’s just because I’m looking for a new apartment so I’m being confronted with how expensive shit still is all over, and not to be a parody of a parody or anything, but when I found out how little he and his roommate pay for all that space? God. Dzamn. The rent is too damn high in NY. It got me thinking seriously about leaving the city. Not too far out, and perhaps not too seriously, but it would be nice to live somewhere and not have every damn dollar be going towards the rent. #editorializing

Here are a few little gorgeous pics from our excursion:

Danny gets taken by trees

Lauren vs. Patriarchy

we spent a lot of time in a graveyard on Indian Hill. I choose not to think about how the hill got its name.

KNOCK KNOCK CHAUNCEY GET THE FUCK OUT YR CRYPT WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!!!

what you find in the "Trusted Servants" thrift store on Main Street

First of all, it hasn't been spring for a long time. Secondly... heh heh, "come"

Now that all that silliness is out of my system, the current edition of This Week in Birdsong is just a tad bit spare, mostly because it’s a holiday and everyone is out of town, but also I need to catch up on the work I didn’t do this weekend so no time for scroungin. So w/o further ado… THIS WEEK IN BIRDSONG!!!!

Monday 11/22

dzon't mind if I dzo!

Tonight at the Kitchen in Chelsea, Fence Books is hosting a reading for the launch of its Fall season of books. We like Fence a lot. Reading, and (especially) getting rejected by and paying attention to the impetus behind, Fence really motivated me to start my own thing. Editor Rebecca Wolff, who was our guest reader at a birdsong release last summer, promises there will be lots of chocolate and whiskey. Don’t you love it when someone is like, I just want to make all your dreams come true? Be there.
The Kitchen
512 West 19th Street
New York, 7pm

Tuesday 11/23

o come on Eileen!

Eileen Myles is burning up New York to promote INFERNO (A POET’S NOVEL), and tonight she’s reading (for the third time!) at Spoonbill & Sugartown in Williamsburg (where you might also be able to find one of the last lingering birdsong #13s…). She’ll also be signing books and answering questions– and likely serving face. I read a part of Inferno years and years ago when I interned at Soft Skull, where it was to be originally published, and it is dzamn good.
Spoonbill & Sugartown
218 Bedford Ave,
Brooklyn, 8PM

Wednesday 11/24

pirate of the rear

So in case you didn’t know, I got people in San Diego. Really talented ones who are doing awesome things and I wish I could be there, but alas I’m in the (soon to be) frozen north. N-E-wayz my friend Joseph has this witchy music project called Raw Moans that got signed to the label Disaro, and he’s started booking gigs and getting radio play and there’s a music video and European tour rumors and a pregnancy scare. Oh, and so he also got my friend Jeff to play with him onstage (that didn’t… come out right). Tonight, the night before you stuff yr face on like the most racist holiday in America, if you live near SD you should watch them kick off their tour of Cali at the Tin Can with a bunch of people I don’t know. I AM SO PROUD OMG KICK ASS GODSPEED JUST DZO IT!!!
The Tin Can
1863 5th Avenue
San Diego, CA, 9pm

Thursday 11/25

you. have. no. idea. the. joy. this. brings. me.

It’s Thanksgiving. I’ll be drafting operational grants and eating corn beef hash out of an aluminum delivery tray.

Friday 11/26
See Thursday.

Saturday 11/27
See Friday.

Sunday 11/28
See Saturday.

Monday July 12

Novelist Brando Skyhorse, whose The Madonnas of Echo Park came out last month from Simon & Schuster and getting a lot of good buzz, is reading at Half King in Chelsea tonight.  Despite the questionable imagery of Half King’s logo and namesake

Native Appropriations, anyone?

come keep me company and let’s maybe do the wave or start a chant or a slow clap.  Oh and just fyi, if all goes according to plan Mr. Skyhorse will be one of the birdsong #13 Five on It interviewees.

the Half King, 505 West 23rd St, NY NY, 7pm FREE

Tuesday July 13

If you’ve ever thought about starting a non-profit but were too intimidated by the process, Danny informed me that there’s a workshop tonight, “Nonprofit Incorporation and Tax Exempt Status Class, New York City” (I know, mysterious title right? What the hell is this class about?).  You can register through the website, http://www.vlany.org/calendar/july.php or via phone at 212.319.2787 x1  Here’s a lil description –

This three-hour introductory class introduces individuals, organizations and practicing attorneys to the basics of nonprofit incorporation and federal and state tax exemption. Class includes course e-book with this pertinent information, along with information on fiscal sponsorships programs as well as sample forms and documents.

This class provides individuals, organizations and practicing attorneys with valuable information about starting a nonprofit organization. State issues to be covered include articles of incorporation, bylaws, and the first organization meeting. Federal issues include the Internal Revenue Code Section 501(c)(3) and corresponding regulations, application for employer identification number, IRS disclosure rules, unrelated business taxable income, charitable contributions, and restrictions on lobbying. VLA requires all applicants seeking Nonprofit Incorporation and Tax Exempt Status services through VLA to attend this class before a volunteer attorney can be assigned to them.

VLA, 1 East 53rd Street,  NY NY, 1-4pm

Wednesday July 14

it's the bomb

I’ll be reading some new work at some point on Wednesday night at the Bowery Poetry Club for Verbal Pyrotechnics– a young adult/teen journal started by my friend Elizabeth Dunn-Ruiz and a few others.  There is a $5 cover, but it gets you a raffle ticket for some prizes.  Plus you’ll get to hear some of the short shtuff I’ve been laboring at, recently.  It’s supposed to appeal to a teen audience IE I’m probably not going to read my poems about straight fuckin, so expect it’ll be tamer.

Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery st. NY NY, 8-9:30pm $5

Thursday July 15

(NSFW!)

it shrinks?

Jessica Yatrovsky, the mega talented photographer who shot me for East Village Boys last year, is doing a live performance at the David Cooney Fine Art Gallery this Thursday for “Performance and the Male Nude no. 6.”  I’m not exactly sure what to expect, but I found a Performance Rules of Engagement pdf on her site to give you some idea.  First of all I love puns and “transgressica” (her site name) is no exception.  Also, I like rules and rules like, “only a woman performs the part of photographer.”

511 West 25th Street, Suite 506, NY NY, 7pm

get into my van all ye youthz

ALSO that night is the exciting first performance of the new goth-glitter rap-nailpolish band BODY H1GH– comprised of birdsong managing editor Daniel Portland and my my my starry-eyed surprise Max Steele.  I have crashed their band practices a couple times and tried to lead them into a “Give Me One Reason” sing along that went nowhere (don’t worry, much like my 2nd grade self-choreographed dance to “Black Cat” by Janet Jackson– it’s all on videotape).  It’s a part of Thain Torres’s HEX BOYFRIEND a hoodoo cabaret.

Dixon Place, 161A Chrystie St. NY NY, 10pm

Friday July 16

give me yr lunch money punk

Cat Glennon, the woman responsible for making BRD SNG look so good and golden (Cupid’s Sparrow, above) is showing at Storefront Gallery in Bushwick under the auspices of THE HOTEL with some people I don’t know (and her boyfriend Ken Madore, who I met a couple times and is a total sweetheart and they gosh make teh cutest couple!).  In the front of the gallery is a bunch of new work by Wayne Adams and Jimmy Miracle.  I’m going to be there and my mouth is going to be wine-purple and amazing and I am just so happy b/c I think it’s about time Cat got famous, you know?

Storefront, 16 Wilson Ave (Morgan L stop), Brooklyn NY, 6-9pm

Hillstock was a blast this weekend, as always PAPS tore it up.  Got some BBQ– the meat was big and the buns were small so I did a little Chris Farley song & dance in my head.  This coming week is pretty big.  Since changing gears and slowing the production schedule of birdsong (and deciding to charge for the zine [which I hadn't done before]), I have wanted to do something free in the off-months.  Something smaller, a lil more manageable, something quick and fun.  Taking a huge cue from Showpaper and Desert Island Comics’ Smoke Signal, Birdsong Micropress is adding a free, bi-monthly, double-sided-quarter-folded newsletter, BRD SNG, to our publication list!  So we’ll still have six publications a year, but only three will be full zines.  Each BRD SNG will have one short story, some short poems, one piece of art, and one five question interview.  I’m checking the press copy today yay.  Look for it wherever you pick up free shit.  And on to the week…

Monday June 14

MoMA Presents: Neil Diamond’s Reel Injun.  No, not that Neil Diamond.  This is happening all week, but tonight (and Saturday) are the only evening shows.  Given that pop culture references to Indian people play on a continuous loop through my mind (it’s like a baggage claim in there. OOOOH BAGGAGE CLAIM!! I seriously just came up with that it’s mine. Drama read. Tired read. Tara Reid).

Neil Diamond is an award-winning filmmaker from the Cree community of Waskaganish, on Canada’s James Bay. His most recent documentary feature is a vivid, lively essay, both critical and optimistic, on the history of the representation of aboriginal people on the big screen. Reel Injun uses footage from Hollywood films to highlight that industry’s perpetuation of cultural misunderstandings both tragic and comic, while also highlighting feature films made by aboriginal filmmakers the world over. The film also features native actors like Adam Beach, Chief Dan George, and others discussing self image, as well as filmmakers like Clint Eastwood who helped challenge popular and negative “Injun” stereotypes.

As Wilkes pointed out to me, Clint Eastwood is probably going to say some shit that’s gonna piss me off, but I think a lot more people are going to say some really awesome things.  I have my own theories about how George Catlin drawings begat Edward Curtis photographs begat Wild West shows, print media, and then film.  I’m just really glad this critique is happening and I am coming at it with an open mind. 2010, case-by-case basis (CVJ).

MoMA, 11 W 53rd St., 8pm

Tuesday June 15

This Tuesday is another installment of Joseph Keckler’s Inner Beauty Parlor.  It promises “LITERARY READINGS! COSTUMES! MARINA ABRAMOVIC REENACTMENTS AND MASHUPS! OPERATIC GOSPEL MUSIC! X-TUBE COLLAGE!”  Featuring, amongst others, birdsong interviewees the aforementioned Mr. Keckler, Erin Markey, and Gerry Visco, and poet Chavisa Woods.

Envoy Gallery, 131 Chrystie St., 6:30-9pm

Thursday June 17

birdsong contributor Catherine Chung (named one of Granta‘s “New Voices” of 2010) is reading at the release party for SISTERS: AN ANTHOLOGY about… sisterhood!  I mean, I haven’t read it but I’m just going to make a bold prediction.  And is there anything better?  Reading with Catherine are Ana Maria Jomolca, Myra Shapiro, and Jan Freeman, director of Paris Press and co-editor of SISTERS.

McNally Jackson Books, 52 Prince St, 7-9pm

Saturday June 19

The Museum of Art and Design is hosting a Gay print/Queer zines discussion panel with Michael Bullock of BUTT Magazine, Scott Hug of K48, and others.

Tracing the history of queer publications, from underground “gay rags” to current contemporary independent and mainstream magazines, GAY PRINT / QUEER ZINES looks at how design and the editorial process has both been shaped by and help shape the attitudes and identity of the queer community.

Museum of Arts & Design, 2 Columbus Circle, 3pm, $7 general $5 students

The Yardmeter Editions reading series hosts The Harp & Altar Anthology, a first foray of the online lit mag into print publishing, with a multimedia fête.  Artwork by Lorene Taurerewa, readings by Ana Božičević, Dan Hoy, Eileen Myles, and Azareen Van der Vliet Oloomi, and a musical performance by Miracles.

267 Douglass Street, 6:30pm, free

This is part two of our Twilight talk. I don’t think we covered anything new, but hey whats birdsong without 16 yr old boner jokes? Exactly. We last left off with me wondering why vampires are always so rich. And Tatyana wondering why they always wear blouses.  It’s cuz they’re Italian, doi.

Tatyana: DUDE, the Cullens’ richness is explained in the first book which you did not read (ahem, poser, ahem). Yes, it does have to do with Alice’s abilities to predict the stock market. How fucking boring is that?! I can’t help but picture a vampire on the floor of the NYSE all “Buy! Sell! Buy!” and like fumbling around with her Blackberry cause she doesn’t know how to use it cause she was born in, oh I don’t know, 1807. Seriously my boss who was born in the 1950s still can’t figure out how to load a stapler.

Anywayyyy, I agree with you 100 percent about these dullards who call themselves vampires in the Twilight SAGA. Is that what they think a teen girl’s deepest fantasies look like? Dude, gimme the True Blood vampire ANY DAY. He’s so… TROUBLED.

Michelle: Ugh. I’m so busted. Ok fine, I didn’t read the first book, I bought the second one while drunk! But I did watch the movie. And if New Moon was any indication of whats to be expected in Twilight then I dodged a fucking sad face teen sob god this girl can mope for like 27 chapters bullet. So good to know I was right about that stock market thing.  I can only imagine Carlisle at home in his jammies on E*Trade tho. “Esme, honey, do you want stock in Goldman Sachs or not?!”

Also anyone watch the teen choice awards last night?! Ladies? (My roommate had it on, I swear. I only caught glimpses while walking to the kitchen for my second Coors) First of all, who are all these asshole 12 yr old LA kids dressed up like adults? Second of all, when will Miley get a DUI already? Thirdly, holy god Jacob Black Lautner Taylor Thomas, fuck me in the eyeballs. Yr vest was sooooo tight fitting over yr werewolf muscles.

All this vampire talk Tya, I kinda feel like two teenage Corey’s in that movie you haven’t seen yet.  How many Lost Boys references can I make before the world implodes? Lets go for gold.

Tatyana: Actually, Michelle you missed 500 pages of straight up yes-no romantic tension and vampire how-do-you-do’s. I can’t believe you actually got hooked on the books from New Moon. I mean, the first 300 pages are all Bella Swan whining about the whole in her heart. And maybe that’s where all this vampire nonsense really gets my goat. The impossibility of the romance leaves you in the obligatory Smiths-listening cry for help thing, which Stephanie Myer takes her goddamn sweet time with. But the impossibility and danger is what makes it all so exciting in the first place. Man. Vampires are just so complicated, you know?

Also, not to get too far from the real topic at hand (vampires, always), but did you see Miley Cyrus on the stripper pole? Maybe that’s what Twilight is good for in the first place–maybe all the pouting and feelings and bullshit that we experienced in the late 90s emo fest that was our teens is being foisted on that preternaturally sexed generation below us. But who am I kidding? Look at the 2 of us and how we feel about vampires. I mean, they kinda make me wanna grind inanimate objects.

Michelle: Srsly the book- sorry, SAGAAAA is just like 13 thousand pages of a fairly intense cautionary tale. Don’t have sex until marriage, and then even when you do wait, shit’s still gonna be fucked up. I never know how to feel about these kids. Maybe I just kept reading New Moon cuz I was waiting for Jacob to assault her mouth and shut her the fuck up for 5 minutes.  And the whole “hole in my soul” steez shes on is so awful. Side note: Stephenie Meyer LOVES Muse, the band. She goes from briefly mentioning them in the ‘thank you’s of the first book, to basically dedicating Breaking Dawn to them. Now imagine if instead of Muse, she listened to the Smiths. Bella woulda killed herself in the first book after walking in on Edward and Jacob boning. I wonder if Edward makes the same boning face as the vamps from True Blood. Do his teeth come out? Why? Does industrial music immediately start playing? So many questions.

Ok. Vampires have intense sex. They can’t get drunk. And they make for some stimulating reading. Especially when its 25 books of foreplay for sex scenes that arent. even. described! Thanks again Stephenie.

All in all. As much as we complain about these books, Edward is basically my manic pixie dream dude.  He will never exist in real life.  His character is kinda sexist but definitely sexy. He’s rich. He’ll never die. He’ll never cheat on you. His mom loves you. He will do whatever you ask him to since he never sleeps. Seriously, Edward when I wake up I want a gingerbread house made out of tofu and caviar for breakfast kay? And he will always love you. And as boring as that sounds, I’m sure we can all agree that that could be kinda fun for a while. Or whatever. Ugh, I’m a cheater.

Alright kids, we all know that Sparks is now defunct. It no longer contains caffeine cuz some lady in the Midwest decided mixing alcohol and energy drink was dangerous. I think she confused the word ‘dangerous’ with ‘fucking genius.’ To quote the amazing Tommy Pico re: new un-caffeinated Sparks “You might as well be drinking Smirnoff Ice.” Ouch.

So on Friday night, when my after-work exhaustion started to kick in, my friend Diego and I decided to hit the bodega for some, dare I say it, Low. Sugar. Red… Bull. I know, I know. But I was tired and just wanted something, anything to ensure that I would not wake up on a strangers couch at 1am while everyone else was at a bar having the most amazing fun ever and likely popping bottles with Jay-Z. As we’re buying our Red Bull and Coors Light (Taste the Rockies motherfucker!) we came across these huge orange cans in the booze section. I don’t remember the exact conversation but I think it went something like this:
Me: Whoa, new Sparks?
Diego: Holy shit, let’s try it!
Me: I hope it makes me vom!
Diego: Let’s split one just in case. (Diego’s really smart.)

My compatriot and I then embarked on an amazing journey with our newfound Four Loko (with a K people).  It’s 11% alcohol with Caffeine, Taurine, and Guarana all crammed in a fucking 24 oz. tall boy can! It’s like Sparks on steroids! It also kind of tastes like ass, but what delicious alcoholic beverage that makes you insane doesn’t? We wandered back to the party with our pride and joy and proceeded to chug it, pass it around, and pretty much vibe on all the shared psychotic disorder we were experiencing. “THIS IS AMAZING, THIS IS AMAZING” was all I had to say. 

May I now direct the reader’s attention to the Four website.  Prepare yourself for psychadelic colors, links to Myspace, Facebook, and Youtube (how relevant!) aaaaand girls holding watermelons over their naked boobs while referring to things as juicy and round…?  Ugh, nothing gold can stay.  Also, apparently this drink is huge among dudes who ride motocross, girls with bad hair and trucker hats, and epic date rape faced douchebags, but whatever. You can also submit photos of yrself and yr friends enjoying Four (while driving) and basically documenting the first half of the night, before you all end up on the fire escape putting the weed in the wrong end of the pipe and talking about what the offspring of a kitten and unicorn would look like (hint: adorable). I suggest you also check out last months “Photo of the Month.” Apparently that bro-down pic was ‘daring and titillating’ enough to win? Peshaw! I hereby challenge you all to make it into next months ‘Photo.’ A case of Four Loko waits for you in my closet (you have to share it with me)!

All in all, this shit is the jam. It gets you totally wasted and awake-crazed, but not all the bodegas carry it. We got it from the expensive place on Bedford and N 7^th. Obvs we were in Williamsburg, maybe it wasn’t the Four making us dazed and wasted, maybe we were just drunk off our own hip-ness? Either way I give this a 4 outta 5 stars. Minus points for the sexist/douchey website that made me second guess my love for alcoholic energy drinks. Curses.

Okay so I’m going to say something bold (that I may regret/retract later) without any irony or ulterior motives and with a total absence of eyebrow raising– VH1′s Charm School is one of my favorite shows maybe of all time. I watched its first incarnation solely because Mo’Nique my one true love was the headmistress. I watched season 2 mostly because of the goodwill engendered by season 1 (it did not disappoint). I never watched Flavor of Love or Rock of Love too much before Charm School, but its kind of awesome to see a show about women, and  with the premise (under the guise?) of self-improvement, rather than a show about women going rabid for a man.

The season premier was last Monday (better late than never sorry there’s some things) and I mostly loved it but I’m not completely sold.

This season takes girls from Rock of Love Bus (which was awesome for half a season) and Real Chance of Love (which I never watched). There’s an interesting racial dynamic at work, one show being made up of primarily white, one of primarily primarily black, castmembers. So there’s lots of scenes like this–

and instances wherein “ROLB girls” and “RCOL girls” are used in lieu of “white” and “black,” respectively.

(spoilers after the jump!)

The Good:

Brittany Star getting her hair pulled while generally looking like a constipated pterodactyl and crotch-shots (bye bye Beverly you are both crrrrazy).

Farrah: I don’t like this school girl uniform it makes me look like a lamp shade
Ashley: Whatever just have your boobs out more

Gia: I like sugar daddies. You use what you have to get what you want [italics mine].” I AM HAVING A HARD TIME DISAGREEING WITH THIS STATEMENT.

Natasha, if you already have the “I used to be a man” edit from ROLB (which, pointless) you’re only giving fodder with, “I think I am capable of change simply because I have changed…” in yr baritone. Love her.  I wish she was actually a tranny.

And (thank you Michelle for for the text) Marcia saying the bad tequila was going to kill a bird.

The Bad:
Stryker, one of the new deans. I don’t like this guy. He hosts the radio talk show called Love Line. Whatever. Its just not. funny. when someone obviously practices their “witty one-liners” in front of a mirror. Also he asked the Blondetourage to show him their “Boobs, Butt, Blondetourage” handshake and later was like, “they just see me as some guy and not the dean. Not good.” Sorry nobody respects you, seat-warmer.

Ricki Lake. I didn’t really have an opinion of her one way or the other, but she sure soured me with the “there are a lot of things that I think would be empowering for women. Directing porn isn’t one of them” comment.  She is just so obvious and boring and (so far) irrelevant, to me.  At least Sharon Osbourne was like, “If you’re going to do porn, DO PORN,” like she was all about not having regrets.  And if you have regrets, thats something you should acknowledge and pay attention to.  Its easy to be dismissive read some articles Ricki Lake-y.  The whole world is at your fingertips.  Also when she told Ashley, “your slutty side seems to rear its head…” I’m wondering what that even means, in context.  In any context, I guess.

Also I noticed that during the pin ceremony and headmistress/dean interview segments, the montages always seemed to happened when the black girls spoke. Like they were interchangeable.

The Ugly:

Gia’s

drunken

outster.

So painful it was hard to watch.  

I think Brittanya is going to win.  Okay so I was watching the VH1 behind the scenes clips of the ROLB reunion special (don’t judge! also the show was so boring I was looking for gems I was sifting), which was filmed after Charm School 3,  someone commented on how Brittanya got butt implants.  How would she be able to afford those if, in CS, she’s complaining about being out on bail (for fighting) and not being able to afford a lawyer?  I am nothing if not a sleuth.

I’ll be commenting on Charm School for a while, folks.

Before I start I just want to say that like Lauren W, every day of my life is spent avoiding public embarrassment but I’m going to write this blog entry anyway.

SO within the past week two people mentioned Lisa Frank and it was like, “REMEMBER the thing? And all the rainbows? That weird bear? OMG SO MUCH FUN And when you’d put the stickers on your lunch box? and EVERyone made FUN of you? and called you a girl and shamed you into cutting off your beautiful Indian hair TOMMY?” So nowadays I associate Lisa Frank less with my childhood and more with my encroaching overwhelming whiteness/white side. But thats besides the point.

I love this little guy!!! I don’t know if its the blank lifeless stare or the fact that he’s CLEARLY juggling colored semen. This is the Lisa Frank I love. Weird, gay, his name is “Panda Painter” and he lives in “Creative City.” Obvs the work of a mad genius. So as I was scrolling down memory lane (“the website GIRLS love!”) I noticed some new faces. No longer just super cartoonish stylized dolphins and killer whales and unicorns, I noticed Lisa had some more realistically drawn animals, like our good friend “Rainbow Chaser”:

I’m sorry but this just doesn’t do it for me. I’m not going to even call attention to the fact that her name sounds like hell in Chelsea/a euphemism for poppers. Re: her factsheet, one of her hobbies is DAY DREAMING lord what a fucking idiot. And her “personality” is a bad okcupid profile: “Loves to laugh, gentle, very thoughtful.” WRONG! VERY BORING, FUCKFACE. Also and I’m not totally sure but I think its racist. and I thought this was as bad as it could get. I was VERY very wrong. indeed.

This fucking Mensa member is named “SurferGirl.” Did anyone else know that Lisa Frank started drawing girls? and not just animals? Was I the last to know? When did this start? All these weird looking BRATZ knock-offs with tiny bodies, big heads and GIGANTIC FREAKING FEET. Srsly they’re like in size 69 so thick so narsty. Lisa Frank the foot-fetishist! And they all love “fresh fruits and veggies” (don’t even get me started on how much I hate that fucking word) and like being optimistic and giggling and being silly, and they all hate “bad attitudes” and complainers (ie ME). I’m surprised they aren’t all “math is hard! Decisions are for boys!”

And then there’s the brown one. Mara.

I’m not even gonna waste one word on her fucking awful outfit. Re: her online profile, she is “groovy” and “mysterious,” a “gypsy at heart,” and she “totally does her own thing.” Necksnap. Girlfriend. Also she’s “slightly psychic” (got that whole exotic brown mysticism working for her). Oh and her favorite food is “anything spicy.” Stop Breaking My Hearttt! Lisa Frank!

We’re so done Ms. Frank. So done. Looks like its back to Garfield for me.